I think you think I think too much.

My imminent departure and the resulting stress is doing weird shit to my head. I don't even know what I feel today... uncomfortable. I'm not sad or upset or angry really, just kind of off. Not completely okay. I'm having a hard time sleeping at the times I should and procrastinating when I'm awake. I really, really regret agreeing to work at Protos the next couple of days. I don't have time for that shit. Now it'd be kind of a dick move to say "oh, sorry, don't have time" since there's no one to cover the shifts. I really regret agreeing to it now though b/c the shitty money just isn't worth the added stress. Fuck. There's just no time. No time at all. I didn't get to hang out with most of the people I wanted to hang out with and now I doubt I'll have the chance. I am really lonely today, and it's not completely justified. I still have Hollie and John and stuff, but I don't know... I kind of wish I could talk to my parents, even though they're kind of not very parental. It just seems like the thing to do when you're about to go off to the Army I guess. It's kind of weird. It's not like I think I'm going to get shipped off to Iraq immediately after OSUT and die, but the fact that it is actually a possibility makes it harder to be so disconnected. I want to be closer to people right now, not further than ever. I've got that panicky fluttering feeling in my chest, to which I've become rather accustomed ever since the weekend I dropped out of school, got kicked out of the dorms and got mugged (unsuccessfully...) That was a shitty couple of days that involved a lot of sitting/laying on the floor or train staring into space. Whenever that kind of shit happens, the shit I get myself into or my family's bullshit, I always find the sentence echoing in my brain - "This is my life," in complete disbelief. My life is ridiculous. Ri-god damned-diculous.

I could really use a hug right about now. The absence of physical human contact in my life most of the time sometimes really bothers me. I've started to secretly savor the rare touch of another human being. (I'm not talking about sex here... for a change.) It's not going to get any better with my new lifestyle. I should just go back to freaking out about sit ups. This existential emotional shit sucks way worse than any muscle pain. I have two main mental states. Survival and introspection. It's only the two. There is no normal brain time for me. When I'm in survival mode, I tend to be incredibly successful academically and professionally because I throw myself completely into my work to beat back the emotional demons. Introspection, well, I learn a lot about myself and when I can actually apply that knowledge to improving my life, it's good, but a lot of time I end up getting demoralized and sitting on my ass doing nothing. Today is an introspection day, and that's bad. I didn't work out hardly at all, I drank a ton of cokes, and I took a 5 hour nap. Too busy to have days like these right now. Survival mode got me through Alaska (and I had straight A's and did well on 5 sports teams). I'm depending on it to get me through the Army with honors and frequent promotions...