I wish you were here.

I got promoted. Ha ha HA! I rock.

I got kind of sad when I said goodbye to my old boss on my (3rd) last day today. She's really cool.

Thanks to my brother's observation, I realized the obvious thing to help my sit ups. I only have a hard time with the second half up, so I just practice the 2nd half for a while and the full sit ups get a LOT easier. I'm surprised he was willing to help me figure out. I think sometimes he forgets to stay mad. I like those times.

This will probably be the last time I write for, quite a fucking while. Email me tonight with your real address if you want to stay in touch. Otherwise, Hol will hve mine.

Guess this ended up posted probably too late for that, oh well. Said a lot of goodbyes today. It's all starting to feel pretty real and kind of scary. I think I'll actually feel better once I'm on my way. it's too hard saying goodbye. I don't like it and I'm damn tired of it, and it's only the beginning. Some day, I will no longer roam away from the people I love, and God willing, some day, they won't leave me either. Man. Stupid heartache. I don't even know which way to turn, there's so many people I miss already, or have been missing for a while.

I wish, I wish, I wish. If wishes were kisses, I'd never be lonely again.

whining.

Level of stress is increasing to inferno-like proportions. Family came down tonight. It was nice to see them, but kind of awkward since none of them are too pleased about my decision and didn't even really respond to Hollie's toast to me.

Oh well. Got some advice on my sit ups. Gonna practice it before I go to bed here shortly to see if I can pass that damn PT test in the morning. I really want to get these sit ups down. ups down. Leane offered to cover the last part of my shift tomorrow, which is relieving some stress. I think I'm just kind of generally freaked out, and tired. I'm not sleeping much, at least not when I need to. Slept through most of the weekend though. I really wish I could at least write my parents while I'm at Basic, but since they're basically unavailable, I doubt if I'll really be able to keep in touch. I just want someone to write to who might actually be proud when I do well, rather than hoping I'll get an Article 15 and get kicked out. Either way, I have every intention of kicking fucking ass at this shit. I have a thing about proving people wrong when I think they've underestimated me. It's not always a good trait, but it might actually help in this case. Will power is going to mean everything in this endeavor. I have the ability, just need the will to reveal it. And I think I've got that too. I'm going to rock. And I'll be proud of myself. Not the first time being lonely, not the last either. I'll be fine. I don't really need the support, it would just be nice if I had it.

Ah well. I feel like I'm whining a lot, which should stop. It just kind of sucks. I think I'll actually be happier to some degree once I'm there, with other people going through the same shit instead of here, with people who just don't understand.

I think you think I think too much.

My imminent departure and the resulting stress is doing weird shit to my head. I don't even know what I feel today... uncomfortable. I'm not sad or upset or angry really, just kind of off. Not completely okay. I'm having a hard time sleeping at the times I should and procrastinating when I'm awake. I really, really regret agreeing to work at Protos the next couple of days. I don't have time for that shit. Now it'd be kind of a dick move to say "oh, sorry, don't have time" since there's no one to cover the shifts. I really regret agreeing to it now though b/c the shitty money just isn't worth the added stress. Fuck. There's just no time. No time at all. I didn't get to hang out with most of the people I wanted to hang out with and now I doubt I'll have the chance. I am really lonely today, and it's not completely justified. I still have Hollie and John and stuff, but I don't know... I kind of wish I could talk to my parents, even though they're kind of not very parental. It just seems like the thing to do when you're about to go off to the Army I guess. It's kind of weird. It's not like I think I'm going to get shipped off to Iraq immediately after OSUT and die, but the fact that it is actually a possibility makes it harder to be so disconnected. I want to be closer to people right now, not further than ever. I've got that panicky fluttering feeling in my chest, to which I've become rather accustomed ever since the weekend I dropped out of school, got kicked out of the dorms and got mugged (unsuccessfully...) That was a shitty couple of days that involved a lot of sitting/laying on the floor or train staring into space. Whenever that kind of shit happens, the shit I get myself into or my family's bullshit, I always find the sentence echoing in my brain - "This is my life," in complete disbelief. My life is ridiculous. Ri-god damned-diculous.

I could really use a hug right about now. The absence of physical human contact in my life most of the time sometimes really bothers me. I've started to secretly savor the rare touch of another human being. (I'm not talking about sex here... for a change.) It's not going to get any better with my new lifestyle. I should just go back to freaking out about sit ups. This existential emotional shit sucks way worse than any muscle pain. I have two main mental states. Survival and introspection. It's only the two. There is no normal brain time for me. When I'm in survival mode, I tend to be incredibly successful academically and professionally because I throw myself completely into my work to beat back the emotional demons. Introspection, well, I learn a lot about myself and when I can actually apply that knowledge to improving my life, it's good, but a lot of time I end up getting demoralized and sitting on my ass doing nothing. Today is an introspection day, and that's bad. I didn't work out hardly at all, I drank a ton of cokes, and I took a 5 hour nap. Too busy to have days like these right now. Survival mode got me through Alaska (and I had straight A's and did well on 5 sports teams). I'm depending on it to get me through the Army with honors and frequent promotions...

The return of r41g3.

My family and most of my friends... suck. I don't think I've ever felt so alone, and I haven't even left yet. I was really, really excited about my progress on my PT yesterday and everything else I've been working on. I think I might actually be good at this, good at fucking something (after dropping out of college 3 times and barely graduating from high school.) I just wanted someone to be happy for me. I want someone to be happy for me that I actually feel good for a fucking change, even though I DO know how insanely difficult this will be.

All I hear is that I'm brainwashed, I shouldn't do this, I don't know what I'm getting myself into, and most of all, I can't do this. Well, fuck everyone. Fuck you all in the fucking neck. I hope you choke on your own vitriol, pricks.

The more they tell me I can't and I won't, the stronger I feel, the more motivated I am to fucking own this. You tell me I can't do it, and I'll be the fucking best there ever was. Fuck you. I can do motherfucking anything. I'm God-damned invincible. I don't fucking need you. And what fucking right do you have to say shit about my life anyways? What the fuck are you doing with yours? Getting plastered in one form or another is the only priority of anyone giving me this shit, so get off your high horse b/c it's dying of a fucking overdose.

Feeling good.

I am God-damned AWESOME. Not to be like, egotistical or anything...

But I took my assessment today and I ran a mile in 6:52. I'm really, really pleased. That is INSANE progress over one fucking week. I am God-damned invincible. And I did 17 push ups, which ain't bad, and I'll have no problem knocking out 19 on Tuesday (for my promotion test.) It's the sit ups I'm still worried about, but shit, if I can go from not being able to run a mile to 6:52 and doing like 3 push ups to 17 in 5 days, I can get these sit ups down. I'm doing all kinds of other stuff that's a little easier to work on my abs and hip flexors. I think the flexors are what's killing me because I can do like 100 crunches and not even really be tired or very sore, but getting all the way up is damned near impossible after a while. It's so weird for me to even be talking about exercise. Contrary to the persona I've created for so many years. I think this is all really positive change for me though, and I'll be so much healthier. More water, less coke. Tons of exercise. Actual like... motivation? Who knew I could do that? It's so much easier to work harder when you're getting paid instead of paying to work. Stupid college. I think I'm actually going to do way better in the military than I did in school. It's already suiting me so much better. Everybody keeps worrying that I'm going to change dramatically and not be the friend they know now, but I think maybe I'm not changing who I am so much as shedding a facade. It's been happening over the last like, year or two, slowly. Dropped a lot of bravado, opened my mind quite a bit (though still a pretty stubborn son of a bitch, I admit) got a lot more honest with myself. It feels pretty good. I think this is going to help.

My plan for immortality.

You know how when Death comes to collect your soul, you're supposed to be able to challenge him in some sort of competition for your soul? Like chess or fiddling or whatever all the weird old fables say?

When the Reaper comes to collect my soul, I will challenge him to a match of Soul Calibur 3.

I will own his bony ass and live forever.

shit.

God damn computer decided to pitch a fit and kill the signal to my monitor in the middle of my God-damned Civ IV campaign I'd been playing for like 3 hours. I had just reached the modern age! I was about to take Japan! Fucker!

I should be sleeping, but I'm freaking out. I really, really wish I had someone I could talk to. Like seriously. Nobody wants to hear about anything to do with me joining the Army though because everyone's either pissed off or just sad about it, or rather, mostly just too wrapped up in their own problems to be burdened with mine too. I can't blame them for it, though I am damn sick of people being pissed at me. Fuck you guys. I'm not doing anything wrong for Christ's sake. I happen to fucking believe in serving my country, as insane as that apparently sounds.

I'm just really worried that I'm not gonna make the cut, physically. I wish I had more time... I should've pushed for a later ship date, but I didn't and now I'm stuck and I'm not going to be fucking ready. So fucking short-sighted. Today I couldn't even do TWO sit ups because I was so sore. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm scared.

oof.

Man, Tina Fey is such a babe. Every once in a while, I just have to bring that up because I have such a mondo insane crush on her.

Oh man. I woke up at like 8 and then decided at 9 to lay down for a little longer. I passed out until 1 pm. Oops. My muscles are all screaming at me. It hurts to type. I'm not kidding. It actually fucking hurts TO TYPE. What is it that those stupid athletes and muscle-y guys say... "Pain is weakness leaving the body?" It's stupid, but it's kind of working for me right now. Because that is the only way I think I can keep doing this to myself. To know I'll be that much stronger when I've got a Drill Sergeant an inch from my face screaming at me because I can't do as many push ups as s/he's just told me to do. Seriously though, I've never been so sore in my life. I think I might have to give myself a bit of a break today b/c I think I'm breaking down my immune system and I don't want to get sick or injured before my medical screening when I get there or I'll get delayed for a long time. I'm actually kind of worried the dental exam will get me delayed. That would suck b/c I'd be stuck at FLW waiting for the next rotation to start. oof. lame. I should still do sit ups and push ups today, but I won't run until tomorrow. Sounds fair to me.

Stress

I'm really worried about my APFT today and the harder one on Saturday. I'm so fucking out of shape. I'm kind of freaking out. At least I finished the mile in time this morning, but I was fucking exhausted and on Saturday I have to do miles on a faster average. And my sit ups and push ups aren't fucking making the cut. I get exhausted after 17-22 sit ups or 9-10 push ups. This is bad. I need to do 50 sit ups and 19 push ups. It's not even that many but I'm so fucking out of shape. I wish I had more time. I don't think I'm gonna go to the "fat camp" because I'll be able to pass the Initial APFT minimum but I don't think I'm gonna be able to get my promotion to E-2 before I go. I might be able to get the sit ups and push ups together with my recruiter, ahem, "motivating" me, but I'm not sure. And the run... shit. We'll see how the mile tonight goes with my recruiter pacing me. I'm worried though. And I still have a lot of errands to run. I'm so worried. I wish I'd known I was shipping out so soon, I would have started working out way earlier. I should have anyways, but shit. This is gonna be so fucking hard. I really want that fucking insignia on my uniform and extra couple hundred bucks in my paycheck damn it. I'm gonna go do more sit ups.

Fucking fricking FRICK.

I'm stressing out pretty bad as the days slip through the cracks here. I'm procrastinating on going over to the rec center to cut my mile down. I don't know how I'm going to pass my 2-mile test on Saturday. It sounds doable, but then I actually get out on the track and I can barely run a fucking mile at all. I'm so fucking out of shape. Basic is going to be so hard. And everyone around me is so negative, it's really not helping at all. I KNOW I only have a week, okay? I'm extremely fucking aware of that. That's why I'm freaking the fuck out, God damn it. I just need to push myself a little harder and make sure I don't give in to the negativity, anyone else's or my own. I can not fail. I can not fail.

Oh man, OSUT is gonna be rough. Basically like 19 weeks of Basic. Jesus Christ. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I must be out of my God damned mind. Ah well. At least I'll be healthier. A lot healthier. I wish I'd known how soon I was shipping though, I would have started running a lot sooner. You can't get back in shape in 11 days... now 8 days. FRICK.

There is now a constant slight panic fluttering in my chest cavity. If I can pass my mile assesment tonight I'll feel better. I have my general orders down I think. That took like 5 minutes. And I'll have the creed down before I go. And I've always had rank pretty good but I should look at Officers again. I'm gonna be as ready as anyone could be with this amount of time to prepare. All I want to do though is sit here watching Venture Bros and drinking coke and pretend this isn't happening. I have so much to do. Frick!

The politics of fear.

God damn it Democrats. Get your fucking shit together! Do you not realize what's at stake? Pay attention, unify, vote and stop being so motherfucking negative all the time. I'm sick to death of all of you.

"A black man can't win" and "I don't like any of 'em," are the most common phrases I hear. Fuck you negative fucking assholes. You know why the Republicans keep winning? Because they care more about winning than some tiny bullshit within the party. They put aside their differences and unify to defeat the whining and bickering fucking Democrats. I hate fucking liberals and I AM a fucking liberal. God damn it. Get it fucking together.

I've always cared about politics, despite becoming jaded to some extent growing up during the fucking Bush administration, but now, there's a lot more at stake for me. I'm joining the Army at time of war and I'm gay. This means everything. I'm not as much afraid of dying as I'm afraid of dying without being honest. I hate hiding. It's not my style. Please, please, get it together so that at least, if/when I go to war, I can at least be myself without fear of the consequences. Fuck.

"IGNORE ME!"

New rules:
-No more whining about girls outside of the dark cavities of my brain.
-For every coke I drink, 2 bottles of water. (.5 liter) - trying to get used to being a little healthier before I head to Basic.
-Slowly become Brock Samson

I started running and I'm fucking... out of shape. Might be a bit rough getting into the swing of things since I'm leaving so soon. Drinking water all the time makes me piss all the damn time. I think I prefer being dehydrated damn it. I need to get properly sauced this week before I go. Especially since I'm spending my 21st birthday at Basic.

Okay, peace kids.

To sum up my endless pain.

"Now, you said you loved me, and you said you loved that other girl too. But how come whenever you get all sad and crap, it's still about Abby?"

"...Because she's the only one that ever loved me back."



I know it sounds rather self-pitying and all that, but I sometimes doubt whether I'll ever find another girl who just... loves me. The girls I've been with, they loved the things I did and the words I said. I'm good at that and I mean every word and gesture. I spend days just thinking of one tiny little thing I can do to make the girl I'm after smile. But I'm always working for their affections, and I only get them insofar as I earn them. They don't even know me. They don't even want to know me. They just want... I don't know what they want. I know what they want to hear. I say it. I know what they want to see. I show it to them. But what they really want? I have no idea. Not me, not when the chips are down. They won't even give me a second thought.

...frick.

da da da, I don't love you, you don't love me, da da da.

I get so angry every time I think of her. I joke around, but it bothers me. I hate that think of her at all. A big part of me hopes she crashes her bike and gets a little disfigured. Not really super badly disfigured... just enough so no one will ever love her. Stupid old broken heart. I stitched it back together best I could, but it still aches. You know how people who lose a limb often say they can still feel their arm or leg or whatever? Phantom limbs they call it. (Like Phantom Limb from Venture Bros.) Even after almost two years I still sometimes reach over in my sleep to grab that warm body and pull her close, but it's always just cold empty sheets. Phantom Girlfriend is how I secretly think of the feeling.

Sigh. Phantom Girlfriend, you are the only one for me. The only one who stays with me always.

Funny how I would always do that though, with every girl I've ever dated. If we moved away from each other at all in the night and I woke up for a split second, I would immediately grab her and close the gap. I think that was probably some kind of warning sign of my dependence on relationships. Even in my sleep, I am possessive and terrified of being abandoned. Okay, more than enough introspection on that subject for one night. Luckily, I can't really get myself into a relationship for a nice long while. Hurray for cold turkey!

"You make forgetting look so easy."

"No man can have a more loyal friend than Wyatt Earp, nor a more dangerous enemy."

Lately I've been really into old westerns and the historical mythology of the West. I think Wyatt Earp, though not necessarily my "favorite" figure of all those stories, he is the one with whom I most closely identify and the above quote pretty much explains it all... Clarissa.

But seriously, it's a perfect quote to suit me. I've always described myself as a dog in one form or another, both as a positive and a negative depending on my level of self-esteem at the time. Me, dogs and Wyatt Earp. Loyal to a fault, damn dangerous when threatened. Very damned fucking dangerous. Sigh. I can never decide if that's okay or not. It's good when I'm protecting someone, but the violent side of myself does scare me sometimes. I can do a lot more damage than even I would think and sometimes, especially if liquor is involved, it doesn't take much to set me off. I think that's what my ex means when she says I scare her sometimes (but I have never, ever hurt any of the girls I've dated and I never would, no matter how drunk I get.)

ARRRGH FUCK. I just found out my old roommate FUCKED ME OVER. FUCK. If this doesn't get fixed and goes on my credit report, I could lose my security clearance and get discharged. God damn it, I fucking hate people.

This would now be one of those times where I'm dangerous.