The family that drinks together stays together.

A conversation with my brother at the bar.

"Yeah, what a bitch."
"Yeah, but I still love her."
"It's okay, I still love Abby too."
"Time for a shot!"

Bitch, I'll cut you twice! Once to teach you and once for review.

I'm hungover, overwhelmed, confused, out of place, drinking and smoking too much, loving too little, overheated and unprepared for how it feels to be at home, but I'm listening to my music, I'm wearing my clothes, I'm drinking and eating whatever I damned well please and I feel better than I have in maybe my whole life. Everything is different. No, nothing is different here. It's all the same as it ever was. But I've changed. I don't know. It's difficult to explain. I wasn't brainwashed different by the Army the way most of my friends would think. I just realized some things and now I know I have a choice about a lot of things I thought were set in stone.

It seems that for me, to find real freedom, I had to lose all my freedom of choice. Because your circumstances don't dictate happiness. It's all dependent upon you and your choice to be happy or not - to find pleasure where you can. It was easy at Basic because I had no choice about the things I was doing whether I liked them or not, so I may as well decide to like it because... what else was I going to do, right?

I doubt I'm explaining this well. I have so much I want to explain to everyone but I can't put it into words yet and I'm pretty sure it only interests me anyways. I guess it's just a matter of priorities and being able to justify your decisions... to yourself, I mean.

Everything is weird. Music is sooooooooo good. It's better than sex. Not that I remember what that's like anyways... ah well, what can you do? The point is, I'm really happy.

Movies and books weren't entertaining enough so I decided to make up my own story and act it out with my real life.

I'm sure no one reads this anymore if anyone ever did since it's been 3 1/2 months since I last wrote. Now I'm at the Holiday Inn just off post enjoying a much deserved overnight pass for the first time. It's fabulous. I'll be leaving Ft. Leonard Wood in less than 2 weeks. I'm headed for Texas. I have no idea what it's going to be like. I have no idea when I might deploy. I'm nervous.

But I'm drinking so I'm thinking of the girl I still love. Man, I miss her sometimes. It doesn't hurt anymore though. Going through Basic Training and everything has given me a much healthier perspective on life. I don't get frustrated so easily anymore. I don't worry so much about what people are thinking either. I thought I didn't before, but man, I really don't now.

I can't even begin to explain the changes I've gone through. It's not just the Army either. It's lots of things over the last few years. Playing with my life, making my own nonsense of a reality. I am a walking contradiction. Everything about me is confusing and not just to everyone else. I can't wait to see my family. My dad will be there. Should be interesting. It's been so long.

Life is crazy. Or rather, life is what you make of it, and I don't like to be bored.

I wish you were here.

I got promoted. Ha ha HA! I rock.

I got kind of sad when I said goodbye to my old boss on my (3rd) last day today. She's really cool.

Thanks to my brother's observation, I realized the obvious thing to help my sit ups. I only have a hard time with the second half up, so I just practice the 2nd half for a while and the full sit ups get a LOT easier. I'm surprised he was willing to help me figure out. I think sometimes he forgets to stay mad. I like those times.

This will probably be the last time I write for, quite a fucking while. Email me tonight with your real address if you want to stay in touch. Otherwise, Hol will hve mine.

Guess this ended up posted probably too late for that, oh well. Said a lot of goodbyes today. It's all starting to feel pretty real and kind of scary. I think I'll actually feel better once I'm on my way. it's too hard saying goodbye. I don't like it and I'm damn tired of it, and it's only the beginning. Some day, I will no longer roam away from the people I love, and God willing, some day, they won't leave me either. Man. Stupid heartache. I don't even know which way to turn, there's so many people I miss already, or have been missing for a while.

I wish, I wish, I wish. If wishes were kisses, I'd never be lonely again.

whining.

Level of stress is increasing to inferno-like proportions. Family came down tonight. It was nice to see them, but kind of awkward since none of them are too pleased about my decision and didn't even really respond to Hollie's toast to me.

Oh well. Got some advice on my sit ups. Gonna practice it before I go to bed here shortly to see if I can pass that damn PT test in the morning. I really want to get these sit ups down. ups down. Leane offered to cover the last part of my shift tomorrow, which is relieving some stress. I think I'm just kind of generally freaked out, and tired. I'm not sleeping much, at least not when I need to. Slept through most of the weekend though. I really wish I could at least write my parents while I'm at Basic, but since they're basically unavailable, I doubt if I'll really be able to keep in touch. I just want someone to write to who might actually be proud when I do well, rather than hoping I'll get an Article 15 and get kicked out. Either way, I have every intention of kicking fucking ass at this shit. I have a thing about proving people wrong when I think they've underestimated me. It's not always a good trait, but it might actually help in this case. Will power is going to mean everything in this endeavor. I have the ability, just need the will to reveal it. And I think I've got that too. I'm going to rock. And I'll be proud of myself. Not the first time being lonely, not the last either. I'll be fine. I don't really need the support, it would just be nice if I had it.

Ah well. I feel like I'm whining a lot, which should stop. It just kind of sucks. I think I'll actually be happier to some degree once I'm there, with other people going through the same shit instead of here, with people who just don't understand.

I think you think I think too much.

My imminent departure and the resulting stress is doing weird shit to my head. I don't even know what I feel today... uncomfortable. I'm not sad or upset or angry really, just kind of off. Not completely okay. I'm having a hard time sleeping at the times I should and procrastinating when I'm awake. I really, really regret agreeing to work at Protos the next couple of days. I don't have time for that shit. Now it'd be kind of a dick move to say "oh, sorry, don't have time" since there's no one to cover the shifts. I really regret agreeing to it now though b/c the shitty money just isn't worth the added stress. Fuck. There's just no time. No time at all. I didn't get to hang out with most of the people I wanted to hang out with and now I doubt I'll have the chance. I am really lonely today, and it's not completely justified. I still have Hollie and John and stuff, but I don't know... I kind of wish I could talk to my parents, even though they're kind of not very parental. It just seems like the thing to do when you're about to go off to the Army I guess. It's kind of weird. It's not like I think I'm going to get shipped off to Iraq immediately after OSUT and die, but the fact that it is actually a possibility makes it harder to be so disconnected. I want to be closer to people right now, not further than ever. I've got that panicky fluttering feeling in my chest, to which I've become rather accustomed ever since the weekend I dropped out of school, got kicked out of the dorms and got mugged (unsuccessfully...) That was a shitty couple of days that involved a lot of sitting/laying on the floor or train staring into space. Whenever that kind of shit happens, the shit I get myself into or my family's bullshit, I always find the sentence echoing in my brain - "This is my life," in complete disbelief. My life is ridiculous. Ri-god damned-diculous.

I could really use a hug right about now. The absence of physical human contact in my life most of the time sometimes really bothers me. I've started to secretly savor the rare touch of another human being. (I'm not talking about sex here... for a change.) It's not going to get any better with my new lifestyle. I should just go back to freaking out about sit ups. This existential emotional shit sucks way worse than any muscle pain. I have two main mental states. Survival and introspection. It's only the two. There is no normal brain time for me. When I'm in survival mode, I tend to be incredibly successful academically and professionally because I throw myself completely into my work to beat back the emotional demons. Introspection, well, I learn a lot about myself and when I can actually apply that knowledge to improving my life, it's good, but a lot of time I end up getting demoralized and sitting on my ass doing nothing. Today is an introspection day, and that's bad. I didn't work out hardly at all, I drank a ton of cokes, and I took a 5 hour nap. Too busy to have days like these right now. Survival mode got me through Alaska (and I had straight A's and did well on 5 sports teams). I'm depending on it to get me through the Army with honors and frequent promotions...

The return of r41g3.

My family and most of my friends... suck. I don't think I've ever felt so alone, and I haven't even left yet. I was really, really excited about my progress on my PT yesterday and everything else I've been working on. I think I might actually be good at this, good at fucking something (after dropping out of college 3 times and barely graduating from high school.) I just wanted someone to be happy for me. I want someone to be happy for me that I actually feel good for a fucking change, even though I DO know how insanely difficult this will be.

All I hear is that I'm brainwashed, I shouldn't do this, I don't know what I'm getting myself into, and most of all, I can't do this. Well, fuck everyone. Fuck you all in the fucking neck. I hope you choke on your own vitriol, pricks.

The more they tell me I can't and I won't, the stronger I feel, the more motivated I am to fucking own this. You tell me I can't do it, and I'll be the fucking best there ever was. Fuck you. I can do motherfucking anything. I'm God-damned invincible. I don't fucking need you. And what fucking right do you have to say shit about my life anyways? What the fuck are you doing with yours? Getting plastered in one form or another is the only priority of anyone giving me this shit, so get off your high horse b/c it's dying of a fucking overdose.